So for the man who has everything, I’ve got an incredibly great gift idea. I know when it comes to birthdays and Christmas most women don’t know what to shop for to give the man in their life. Typically like me, they go to the mall or Kohl’s and lamely opt for a button down chambray shirt or a tie or something extremely jejeune, boring and dull. But say, next time around, how about buying the maxpedition gearslinger with all those sturdy pockets and handsome zip compartments to make life in the field more rational while they are out there away from the home base.
Of course this terrific idea is only for those who live with and love men who are the outdoorsy type. I mean try it….if you give a maxpedition gearslinger to a guy who only likes to sit at home and hang out with his computer monitor and who avoids going outside at all costs then you likely won’t get a huge, “Thank you” from him. What you likely will get is a look of confusion and then a forced smile along with, “Whoa! a maxpedition gearslinger. Uhhhh…and I don’t’ already have one!” That would be really uncool. Especially because those maxpedition gearslinger items are not cheap. And also because you want your gift and your time to be appreciated.
You want the man (or woman—sheesh!) you buy it for, to jump up and down and do cartwheels and think that you’re the most thoughtful planner in the entire universe. Which you are. Or which you will appear to be because you got them something so absolutely fetching cool. Don’t get a guy, guy flowers. That they love to get flowers in manly colors is a complete fallacy and I challenge anyone out there who says that, to a duel. Yes. Guns at dawn; precisely. It’s stupid to send a man flowers, even if they’re brown and dark turquoise or forest green.
What they want is stuff that makes them feel virile and as if they’re a force to be reckoned with—not like they’re going to go put their gardening gloves on and Crocs and go plant some daisies. They hate that stuff and I happen to be a pretty good expert on stuff men hate. Yeah, men are just grown up boys and they like Tonka trucks and construction crews and they like organized sports and they also like pizza all the time, even if it’s really bad, really cheap pizza. And they like to walk around with their shirts untucked and they also really like toy guns and real guns and they like being outside…most of them do anyway. And some women even like this kind of thing.
I loved it when I was an adolescent. I was such a tomboy I actually cropped my hair really short and wore boy’s shirts and boots and I convinced my fifth grade teacher that I was a boy. She sat me in the boys section of the classroom and it took me a while to clue into the fact that she thought my name was short for ‘Lawrence’. When I told her it wasn’t, well….suffice it to say that I can still see the look on that lady’s face. Her mouth dropped about a mile and the very next day, I was sitting in a section on the other side of the classroom beside a girl named Heather. Who incidentally became my new best friend. But I was a sucker for all that boy stuff when I was a kid, until about seventh grade and I got my first crush on a boy. Things changed then.